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I first met Kasia Clark at Beacon Nursery School, when we were both pre-school aged kids.  She was one of several artistic-leaning kids from artistic-leaning families, and we remained schoolmates through grammar school and high school.

Many years passed before our paths crossed again, but when they did in the early 2000's, Kasia had become a physician practicing at Hudson River HealthCare in New York state, but even more shockingly, had been diagnosed with advanced stage ovarian cancer in 2000 at the age of 42.

As a woman who had always possessed great courage and a strong spirit of determination, after radical surgery and chemotherapy, Kasia pursued a path of great effort and focus to "reclaim her body and spirit."  She maintained a strict nutritional regiment, pursued extreme athletics, and studied violin with the masters of the Manhattan String Quartet.

Kasia's mother, Liz, who is a visual artist in NY, joined Kasia in making a series of short films as part of her recovery, which became a documentation of her cancer journey.  In 2002, Kasia joined with film professionals to create "The Kasia Project," a chronicle of her cancer experience that could become an educational medium for a wide audience to learn about living with a life-threatening illness.  Film became a way to marry her interests in art and science and help others.

Independent films have ups and downs, and Kasia experienced the challenges of bringing her vision to fruition.  In 2006, as she battled her first recurrence, the film she was putting together evolved into "Outside In," a 1 hour documentary about nine years lived with advanced ovarian cancer, drawing from over 170 hours of material with a score by computer Cyrus Sink.

The film tells Kasia's story, with interviews from doctors, patients, and many scenes of inspiration, wisdom and enlightenment from Kasia herself, as she makes real and vivid the experience of living with a life threatening illness.
 
There is an inspiring trailer on her website www.outsideinthefilm.com.

And perhaps to say it all, Kasia's site includes the following quote:  "We're all going to die, it;s choosing how to live that counts."--Kasia Clark, MD

Kasia paints an inspiring and transformational picture of what it really means to live.

©2011 Linda Marks      Share your thoughts on this article . . .

This past month, the Wall Street Journal has managed to run an article each week presenting very different and even extreme approaches to parenting.  While perhaps not intentionally envisioned as a "series," this series, nonetheless, was kicked off with Amy Chua's article, "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" on January 8.  Chua proudly states that her two daughters were not allowed to do what we in the Western world consider, "normal" activities, such as attend a sleepover, have a playdate, or be in a school play.  In addition, more severe disallowed behaviors include, complaining about not being in a school play, choosing ther own extracurricular activities, getting any grade less than an A, or not being the number 1 student in any subject other than gym or drama.

Chua assumes that American parents are wimps, psychological and emotional factors don't exist, and if you don't get what you want from your child, you humiliate them, berate them and shame them into submission.  Chua suggests that this is for the child's own good, since children would not be motivated to be successful without such a heavy hand and rude mouth coming from their mothers. 

She details vignettes of parenting her own daughters, speaking to them in ways those of us who are psychologically inclined would consider verbally abusive, such as "Hey fatty--lose some weight, " or calling a child "garbage, stupid, worthless or a disgrace," and psychologically abusive, such as forcing her 7 year old daughter to practice a piano piece she was struggling with for hours and hours, including working through dinner and not being able to get up for water or to go to the bathroom for days, weeks and months.

While books may portray these "Tiger Mothers" as "scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids' true interests," Chua posits that maybe Chinese believe they are more committed and caring to their children than Westerners.

The second article in the "series," appeared on January 16, a sort of rebuttal to the "Tiger Mother" article, entitled, "In Defense of the Guilty, Ambivalent, Preoccupied Western Mom" by Ayelet Waldman.  Waldman identifies herself as a modern day Jewish mother of four, who allowed her children to quit the piano and violin, sleep over at friends' houses and participate in any intercurricular activity they wanted to, with a few narcissistic caveats thrown in. 

Waldman was delighted if the child quit their instrument near a recital, so she wouldn't have to be "tortured" listening to other children play or if the sleepover was on a holiday or night she wanted to go out with her husband to save her the cost of a babysitter.  More narcissistic was her insistence that she not have to drive more than 10 minutes to get her kids to an activity or "sit on a field in a folding chair in anything but the balmiest weather for any longer than 60 minutes."

All practicality aside, the thread of narcissism strikes me as just as troubling as the streak of domination expressed by Chua.  For the most extreme article on parenting, the January 22 Wall Street Journal presented the case of a Russian-born Christian couple living in Oregon, who were arrested on criminal child abuse charges.  When their 14-year old son escaped to a pay phone to report his beatings (and that of his 6 siblings) to the police, all 7 children, aged newborn to 15, were taken away from the parents, as the parents were sent to jail.

Within their isolated and non-assimilated Slavic Christian community, the brutal beatings of children for wanting to wear Western clothes, trim their hair without permission or wear eye make up were considered "disciplining their children according to Biblical law."  Being whipped, struck and beaten with wires, branches and belts was considered an expression of their faith.  In the Western world, it is considered child abuse.

All 6 of the older children, aged 5 - 15, were sick of their parents' abuse and told police they wished to be removed from their home.  At times, their beatings were so severe, they could not go to school.  Eventually, the infant was removed from the parents' home as well.

While cultural differences do account for differences in parenting styles, too few take into account the actual nature and developmental needs of human children.  Religion, narcissism, and historical norms do not allow for or even recognize psychological needs.  As I studied the reality of family life in early Colonial families in the US, I discovered just how rampant domestic violence was.

Sadly, while those who practice Tiger Mothering or Slavic Christian parenting can rationalize and justify their behavior saying they must shape their child to be "successful" or even "good," their children often have serious mental health issues as teens and adults.  The suicide rate for Chinese teenage girls is much higher than for their Western counterparts.

Perhaps the cultural model I find most appealing is that of my Siamese chocolate point kitty, Prayer.  When Prayer had her kittens in April 2008, she was a present, attentive, nurturing, loving mother.  She knew to stay close to her kittens and keep them warm, fed and safe when they were tiny.  She knew to give them more space to stretch their paws and explore as they grew ready to do so.  She nursed them gladly until they were ready to start eating solid food.  And she carried them in her mouth by the scruff of their necks when she perceived they were in danger.  Prayer occasionally "disciplined" her kittens with a growl or a gentle tap of her paw.  But she never beat them, humiliated them, rejected them or hurt them.  All of her kittens grew up to be well-adjusted, loving cats.  Might there be something to learn here for human parents?

Copyright 2011 Linda Marks

My first blog at www.heartspacecafe.com/blog will still be active, but it is built in forum software, which many people find more cumbersome to use than official "blog" software.

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